I\u2019m not homophobic in the sense that I find the idea so repugnant I can\u2019t imagine it.\u00a0 In my twenties I was homophobic in the sense that I watched the guy I was most likely to have sex with change from slightly effeminate to flaming queer in a matter of weeks.\u00a0 I was afraid that might happen to me if I acted on my impulses.\u00a0 Subsequently, I\u2019ve been mistaken often enough in my assessments to know that men can be both homosexual and manly, but I haven\u2019t revisited that youthful curiosity.\u00a0 Recalling these things to write this essay I realize I was probably homophobic in another sense.\u00a0 In my late teens I never even broached the subject with the guy I most wanted to have a sexual relationship with.\u00a0 And he wasn\u2019t even particularly physically attractive.\u00a0 It was his mind and personality that appealed to me\u2014to us.\u00a0 My girlfriend and I talked about what it would be like to have sex with him.<\/p>\n
As I write this, sitting in a crowded airport waiting for a flight, I realize that I may still be homophobic in the sense that I\u2019m not entirely comfortable with people next to me looking over at my screen and seeing what\u2019s written there.\u00a0 But I want to get this written, and now is as good a time as any.\u00a0 I\u2019ve certainly gone round and round in my own mind concerned that if I acknowledged these things people might think I\u2019m a latent homosexual.\u00a0 I finally decided that even if I am it hasn\u2019t caused any serious issues.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had my share of homoerotic fantasies, but all and all it has been relatively easy to write off those thoughts as sin in my flesh.<\/p>\n
<\/a>I was single for twenty years after my first divorce, half of my twenties, all of my thirties and the beginning of my forties.\u00a0 Since I wasn\u2019t pursuing women most people assumed I was gay or a pedophile.\u00a0 Actually, I stayed single so long because soon after my first divorce I met the \u201conly woman I would ever consider marrying again.\u201d\u00a0 She, of course, was already married\u2014to a good friend.\u00a0 So I had twenty years of intensive training in self-control.\u00a0 (\u201cSelf,\u201d by the way, has nothing to do with it.\u00a0 It is \u1f10\u03b3\u03ba\u03c1\u1f71\u03c4\u03b5\u03b9\u03b1<\/a> an aspect of the fruit of the Spirit.\u00a0 Bible translators, I assume, are loathe to coin theological words like Holy-Spirit-control.)<\/p>\n So while I haven\u2019t experienced the dilemma of homosexuality as part of my identity and self-image, I\u2019m not completely unsympathetic either.\u00a0 I began to really appreciate this dilemma through a film.\u00a0 I enjoy movies as a way of experiencing things and people I may not otherwise experience.\u00a0 Mostly I prefer R-rated dramas because when they deal with issues of sin and vice they tend to deal with them more honestly than PG comedies.\u00a0 A PG comedy will often touch on all the same issues of sin and vice but it\u2019s just for laughs, and everything works out in the end.\u00a0 (It seems there are a lot more PG comedies with an R-rating these days.)<\/p>\n <\/a>The movie that helped me experience the gay Christian dilemma is Save Me<\/a><\/em>.\u00a0 Chad Allen<\/a> was one of the producers and principal actors along with Judith Light<\/a>.\u00a0 I first heard of Chad Allen because he played the dual role of Nate<\/a> and Steve Saint<\/a>, both the martyred missionary and his adult son confronted by the man who killed his father, in End of the Spear<\/a><\/em>.\u00a0 Searching online for others who enjoyed End of the Spear<\/em> I learned that Chad Allen was a gay Christian. [December 10, 2014: I didn’t source “Christian<\/a>” at the time and can’t find it now.]\u00a0 The blog sites I read were full of debate<\/a>, some from the filmmakers<\/a> trying to justify themselves for using a gay actor in a Christian film and others from angry, indignant Christians who felt betrayed<\/a>, some of whom never saw, and would never see, the movie. \u00a0When I stumbled across Save Me<\/em> and recognized Chad Allen<\/a>\u2019s name I wanted to see it, even if it was his angry rebuttal and knee jerk response to the way he was treated by Christian bloggers after End of the Spear<\/em>.<\/p>\n I say \u201cstumbled across,\u201d but I do look for out of the way films.\u00a0 They are often much more interesting than blockbusters.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get me wrong.\u00a0 I like blockbusters, too, and see them with my kids.\u00a0 The Avengers<\/a><\/em>, apart from being a comic book action adventure, is the best comedy I\u2019ve seen all year.\u00a0 But there are only so many wars between Autobots\u00a0and Decepticons<\/a>\u00a0I can take before I need to see a movie about people.\u00a0 Comparing and contrasting The Island<\/a><\/em> (another Michael Bay<\/a> film) and Never Let Me Go<\/a><\/em>, for instance, is part of the joy of watching movies.\u00a0 Part of the beauty and poignancy of the final line<\/a> in Never Let Me Go<\/em>, is that I expected, and maybe even hoped, that it would be more like The Island<\/em>.<\/p>\n Still, I hesitate to recommend movies.\u00a0 I come from a very conservative fundamentalist Christian background.\u00a0 Some people just shouldn\u2019t watch films; it\u2019s like meat sacrificed to idols to them.<\/p>\n Frankly, I was blown away by Save Me<\/em>.\u00a0 What Chariots of Fire<\/a><\/em> was to Christians and Jews Save Me<\/em> is to gay Christians and those who aren\u2019t so gay.\u00a0 But that is not a recommendation to anyone unaccustomed to this kind of movie.\u00a0 It opens with a sex scene intended to be as erotic as any heterosexual sex scene in R-rated movies.\u00a0 It succeeds.\u00a0 Then a few moments later the memory of that steamy sex scene is intended to ring hollow and empty and ultimately as unsatisfying to the viewer as it was to the protagonist played by Chad Allen.\u00a0 Again, it succeeds.\u00a0 Then the protagonist is forced into an Exodus-International-style gay rescue mission where we meet the antagonist played by Judith Light.<\/p>\n In a Michael Bay film with a setup like this, all movie buffs know the uppity Christian lady is about to get her comeuppance.\u00a0 Not so in Save Me<\/em>.\u00a0 The antagonist is treated with as much respect as the protagonist.\u00a0 (This is my “Spoiler Alert” for those who would find the movie ruined if they already knew the ending.)\u00a0 Ultimately the protagonist is grateful for the antagonist\u2019s love and concern that did rescue him from a life of drug and alcohol fueled promiscuity as he embarks on a new journey, hoping to love and live monogamously with a man he met at the rescue mission.\u00a0 The antagonist crosses a great divide in her own heart to affirm her love for him even as she fears and regrets his choice.<\/p>\n <\/a>The final thing the movie did for me was introduce me to the Gay Christian Network<\/a>, people learning to coexist and commune with one another despite their division into \u201cSide A,\u201d those who believe God blesses same-sex marriages, and \u201cSide B,\u201d those who believe that God calls gay Christians to lifelong celibacy.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t care much for arguments that attempt to justify homosexual acts by law, but I am constantly reminded of James\u2019 enigmatic saying, My<\/em>1<\/sup><\/a> brothers and sisters, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone turns him back, he should know that the one who turns a sinner back from his wandering path will save that person\u2019s<\/em>2<\/sup><\/a> soul from death and will cover <\/em>(\u03ba\u03b1\u03bb\u1f7b\u03c8\u03b5\u03b9<\/a>, a form of \u03ba\u03b1\u03bb\u03cd\u03c0\u03c4\u03c9<\/a>) a multitude <\/em>(\u03c0\u03bb\u1fc6\u03b8\u03bf\u03c2<\/a>) of sins <\/em>(\u1f01\u03bc\u03b1\u03c1\u03c4\u03b9\u1ff6\u03bd<\/a>, a form of \u1f01\u03bc\u03b1\u03c1\u03c4\u03af\u03b1<\/a>).3<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0 Then I am reminded of Peter\u2019s similar saying regarding love.\u00a0 Above<\/em>4<\/sup><\/a> all<\/em>, Peter wrote, keep your love<\/em> (\u1f00\u03b3\u1f71\u03c0\u03b7\u03bd<\/a>, a form of \u1f00\u03b3\u03ac\u03c0\u03b7<\/a>) for one another fervent<\/em>, because<\/em> love <\/em><\/strong>(\u1f00\u03b3\u03ac\u03c0\u03b7) covers<\/em>5<\/sup><\/a> <\/strong>(\u03ba\u03b1\u03bb\u1f7b\u03c0\u03c4\u03b5\u03b9, another form of \u03ba\u03b1\u03bb\u03cd\u03c0\u03c4\u03c9) a multitude <\/em><\/strong>(\u03c0\u03bb\u1fc6\u03b8\u03bf\u03c2) of sins <\/em><\/strong>(\u1f01\u03bc\u03b1\u03c1\u03c4\u03b9\u1ff6\u03bd, a form of \u1f01\u03bc\u03b1\u03c1\u03c4\u03af\u03b1).<\/em>6<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n <\/a>Will love cover the multitude of homosexual sins?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Apparently there are gay Christians who are all-in, as it were, conducting that faith experiment for me.\u00a0 I can certainly appreciate that to one who came out of a life of drug and alcohol fueled promiscuity, a stable, committed relationship might look like the promised land.\u00a0 I certainly know that \u201cFurther<\/a>\u201d isn\u2019t always written on my bus.\u00a0 I\u2019ve reached many plateaus in my journey.\u00a0 Twenty years lusting after a married woman isn\u2019t something I\u2019m particularly proud of, but the Lord was always patient with me, and eventually I learned a lot.\u00a0 And yes, many people attempted to dissuade me from staying there so long.\u00a0 But it\u2019s hard to give up on the \u201conly woman I would ever consider marrying again.\u201d<\/p>\n To get back to Paul\u2019s letter to the Romans I want to jump ahead just a little and say something about the wrath<\/em> (\u1f40\u03c1\u03b3\u1f74<\/a>) of God\u2026revealed <\/em>(\u1f08\u03c0\u03bf\u03ba\u03b1\u03bb\u1f7b\u03c0\u03c4\u03b5\u03c4\u03b1\u03b9<\/a>, a form of \u1f00\u03c0\u03bf\u03ba\u03b1\u03bb\u03cd\u03c0\u03c4\u03c9<\/a>) from heaven<\/em>.7<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0 Paul wrote, For while we were still<\/em>8<\/sup><\/a> helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. \u00a0(For rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person perhaps someone might possibly dare to die.) \u00a0But God demonstrates his own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. \u00a0Much more then, because we have now been declared righteous<\/em> (\u03b4\u03b9\u03ba\u03b1\u03b9\u03c9\u03b8\u1f73\u03bd\u03c4\u03b5\u03c2<\/a>, a form of \u03b4\u03b9\u03ba\u03b1\u03b9\u03cc\u03c9<\/a>) by his blood, we will be saved<\/em> (\u03c3\u03c9\u03b8\u03b7\u03c3\u1f79\u03bc\u03b5\u03b8\u03b1<\/a>, a form of \u03c3\u03ce\u03b6\u03c9<\/a>) through him from God\u2019s wrath<\/em> (\u1f40\u03c1\u03b3\u1fc6\u03c2<\/a>, another form of \u1f40\u03c1\u03b3\u03ae).9<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n Had anyone else written these lines anywhere else I would assume that the writer meant some future wrath.\u00a0 But Paul wrote these lines in his letter to the Romans after spending so much ink discussing the wrath of God revealed from heaven: God in his wrath<\/a> gave me over to impurity<\/a>, to dishonorable passions<\/a>, and to a depraved mind<\/a>.\u00a0 Is this the wrath He intends to save me from?\u00a0 It encourages me to pray again, God, be merciful to me, sinner that I am!<\/em>10<\/sup><\/a> and to reach up, figuratively speaking, to the destination marquee of my bus and twist the dial to \u201cFurther.\u201d11<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Addendum:<\/strong> May 21, 2020
\nNET note 24<\/a> indicated that Peter quoted Proverbs 10:12. \u00a0\u00a0He didn\u2019t quote the Septuagint.<\/p>\n