In the movie M*A*S*H Major Frank Burns (Robert Duvall) is introduced on his knees at his cot praying aloud.  At sixteen I thought he was some kind of super-Christian.  I wouldn’t have prayed aloud like that at church camp.

When he yelled at Private Boone (Bud Cort) for a lazy and inappropriate response to a direct order, it was uncomfortable, but it didn’t diminish Major Burns in my estimation.  After all, what does it mean to be “under authority” if not that those in authority over you berate you as they see fit?  I didn’t particularly like it but I was used to it.  It didn’t really change my opinion of those who berated me.

When Major Burns succumbed to his lust for Major Houlihan (Sally Kellerman), it was disappointing, but God punished him immediately.  Radar O’Reilly (Gary Burghoff) slipped a microphone into the tent where Major Burns and Major Houlihan carried on their tryst.  Audio of it was broadcast live to the entire 4077th camp.

And know that your sin will find you out^[1] [Table below].  You who tell others not to commit adultery, do you commit adultery?^[2]

When Major Burns was sent home in a straitjacket and I was left alone at the MASH camp in Korea (actually, I was on a date) I was at a loss to figure out what this, my first R-rated, movie was actually about.  I had been a do-it-yourself-Christian for over ten years by then.

Jesus may have died to forgive my sins but it was up to me to trust and obey.  C.H. Spurgeon did a fair job of describing my faith in a sermon presented, not as doctrine he believed but, as his characterization of an “Arminian” theory of redemption:

Christ, when He died, did not die with an intent to save any particular person…Christ’s death does not in itself secure, beyond doubt, the salvation of any one man living…Christ died to make the salvation of all men possible…any man who pleases may attain unto eternal life…if man’s will would not give way and voluntarily surrender to grace, then Christ’s atonement would be unavailing….

Though I didn’t realize it at the time I worshiped my own free will.  I didn’t carve or cast a statue, fall prostrate before it and bring it offerings.  I wasn’t a sculptor.  But I thought free will as a concept was fair.

I lifted the following diagram from a site online.

This diagram (or one like it) was the essence of my religious education.  The explanation reads as follows: “The circle is your life.  The seat is a throne.  The throne stands for whatever is lord of your life.  S is for self.  The cross is Jesus.  The other things in the circle represent whatever is important to you.”

Everyone begins at letter A.  The goal is to work through to letter C.  The steps are spelled out in some detail on Cru.org online:^[3]

We must surrender, or yield, the throne to Christ….By faith we must recognize that Christ assumed control of our lives upon our invitation….We receive the Lord Jesus Christ by faith.  How then do we allow Him to control our lives moment by moment?

Did I receive the Lord Jesus Christ by faith at sixteen?  Certainly not by the faith (πίστις) that is an aspect of the fruit of his Spirit (John 16:12-16).  I didn’t know of such a faith and would have considered it cheating.  By faith meant trust and obey, acts (continuous acts) of my free will: “We must surrender…we must recognize…We receive…we allow” or God is powerless, except to punish.

I didn’t realize I was worshiping my free will.  I certainly can’t recall what I might have meant at the time by free will if I had.  I thought I was doing, more or less, what I was supposed to be doing, except, of course, when I wasn’t.  So, what is free will?

As I approach it now I have a fairly clear idea what the translators of the NET think about it.  Jesus said (John 10:18 NET):

No one takes [my life] away from me, but I lay it down of my own free will.  I have the authority to lay it down, and I have the authority to take it back again.  This commandment I received from my Father.

Here the Greek words ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ were translated of my own free will.  This ἐμαυτοῦ was derived from an authority (ἐξουσίαν, a form of ἐξουσία) derived from a commandment (ἐντολὴν, a form of ἐντολή) Jesus received (ἔλαβον, a form of λαμβάνω) from his Father.  Jesus’ saying is very important to me.  I can describe it best as a contrast to me.

Nail me to a cross and I will stay there until you pry me down, whether dead or alive will depend on how long you leave me nailed there.  Jesus endured the cross.  The Greek word translated endured was ὑπέμεινεν (a form of ὑπομένω): “to remain, stay behind (while others leave); to remain (instead of fleeing).”  Jesus remained on the cross when He had other options.  At any moment throughout that ordeal He could have exercised his authority received by the commandment of His Father, and of his own free will, said, “Enough of this,” and stepped down from the cross.

In the past I’ve added, “and been none the worse for wear.”  I see it a little differently now: He would not be obedient to the point of death, nor the firstborn from the dead and He would be uniquely alone: I tell you the solemn truth, He said, unless a kernel of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains by itself alone.  But if it dies, it produces much grain.^[4]

At sixteen I didn’t study the Bible, didn’t know I was worshiping my own free will, but I wonder if I could have accepted an authority received from a commandment of God my free will.  Recently, I’ve described free will as an ability to ignore and disobey God.  That might be an authority derived from a commandment: I don’t know but I don’t cease to exist the moment I think or do anything contrary to God’s word or will.

I looked at the other examples of ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ to see if of my own free will would stand up to scrutiny as a translation.  The very first example called my understanding of Jesus’ free will into question (John 5:26, 27, 30):

For just as the Father has life in himself, thus he has granted the Son to have life in himself, and he has granted the Son authority to execute judgment because he is the Son of Man.

I can do nothing on my own initiative.  Just as I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just because I do not seek my own will, but the will of the one who sent me [Table].

I can do nothing of my own free will (ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ), seems to hold up, despite its shock value: Jesus said this after having been granted (ἔδωκεν, a form of δίδωμι)…authority (ἐξουσίαν, a form of ἐξουσία) to execute (ποιεῖν, a form of ποιέω) judgment (κρίσιν, a form of κρίσις).

I’m willing to hear an authority (ἐξουσίαν) granted (ἔδωκεν) as roughly equivalent to an authority (ἐξουσίαν) received (ἔλαβον) by a commandment (ἐντολὴν), though that authority is not exercised here of Jesus’ own free will: Just as I hear (ἀκούω), I judge (κρίνω), and my judgment (κρίσις) is just (δικαία, a form of δίκαιος).  Jesus didn’t leave me to guess why such judgment is just: I do not seek (ζητῶ, a form of ζητέω) my own will (θέλημα), but the will (θέλημα) of the one who sent me.

So is there something peculiar about judgment (κρίσιν, κρίσις) that placed special constraints on Jesus’ authority (ἐξουσίαν) to judge of his own free will?  Or did I carry it too far before?  Could Jesus, being Jesus, being who He is, actually of his own free will have stepped down from the cross?  Or did He, as Jesus, seek…the will (θέλημα) of the one (KJV: Father) who sent Him?

The next occurrence of ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ sheds some more light on Jesus’ attitude (John 7:16-18 NET):

So^[5] Jesus replied, “My teaching is not from me, but from the one who sent me [Table].  If anyone wants to do God’s will, he will know about my teaching, whether it is from God or whether I speak from my own authority.  The person who speaks on his own authority desires to receive honor for himself; the one who desires the honor of the one who sent him is a man of integrity, and there is no unrighteousness in him.

Here ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ was translated from my own authority, despite the lack of any form of ἐξουσία in the text.  I don’t have any quarrel with it but think “of my own free will” was still possible as long as I don’t assume that Jesus’ teaching was contrary to his own free will.  The point is his own free will was not the source of his teaching: My teaching is not from me (ἐμὴ, a form of ἐμός; literally: mine).

The person who speaks on his own authority (ἀφ᾿ ἑαυτοῦ) desires (ζητεῖ, a form of ζητέω; literally: seeks) to receive honor (δόξαν, a form of δόξα; KJV: glory) for himself.  Again, Jesus contrasted this one to Himself, One who seeks the glory of the One who sent Him.  It seems less and less likely that Jesus would have exercised his authority to utilize his free will to come down from the cross.

The next occurrence of ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ was translated on my own initiative (John 7:28, 29 NET):

Then Jesus, while teaching in the temple courts, cried out, “You both know me and know where I come from!  And I have not come on my own initiative, but the one who sent me is true.  You do not know him, but^[6] I know him because I have come from him and he sent me.”

Again, I have not come of my own free will, holds up as long as I don’t assume that He came against his own free will.  This pattern continues: When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am he, and I do nothing on my own initiative (ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ), but I speak just what the Father^[7] taught me.^[8]  And, If God were your Father, you would love me, for I have come from God and am now here.  I have not come on my own initiative (ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ), but he sent me [Table].^[9]  And finally, Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father is in me?  The words that I say^[10] to you, I do not speak on my own initiative (ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ), but the Father residing in me performs^[11] his^[12] miraculous deeds.^[13]

To translate ἔργα (a form of ἔργον) miraculous deeds here and in the following verses might divert one’s attention away from one of the clearest statements of Jesus’ faith, how He lived as a man on this earth: the Father that dwelleth in me, he doeth the works.^[14]  I live by the faith (πίστει, a form of πίστις) of the Son of God,^[15] Paul wrote.

So, though Jesus had the authority to come down from the cross of his own free will, He didn’t do it because the Father that dwelleth in [Him]…doeth the works.  I didn’t know any of this at sixteen.  My knowledge of God was based on hearsay and whatever I had reasoned out through trial and error, which wasn’t particularly helpful since I was asking the wrong questions and misunderstanding the answers.

God’s love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control is so meaningful to me now, I search for some inkling of the fruit of the Spirit in my past.  The closest I come is the vague memory of a belief that God would help me.  By age sixteen I had over ten years of empirical evidence that God didn’t help me do anything I wanted to do.  (Even after my prodigal years the fruit of the Spirit so-called was a list of attitudes I was expected to conjure and maintain out of my own gratitude for being saved from an eternity in the lake of fire.)

At sixteen I was trying to trust and obey as continuous acts of my own free will and figure out how to abdicate the throne of my life to Christ.  God had one role in my life: to punish me for sin.  By seventeen or eighteen, after He had “failed” at that, I was left alone to figure out what this life was actually about (or so I thought). 

Tables comparing Numbers 32:23 in the Tanakh, KJV and NET, and comparing Numbers 32:23 in the Septuagint (BLB and Elpenor), and tables comparing John 7:29; 8:28 and 14:10 in the NET and KJV follow. 

Numbers 32:23 (Tanakh)	Numbers 32:23 (KJV)	Numbers 32:23 (NET)
But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against HaShem; and know ye your sin which will find you.	But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out.	“But if you do not do this, then look, you will have sinned against the Lord.  And know that your sin will find you out.

Numbers 32:23 (Septuagint BLB)	Numbers 32:23 (Septuagint Elpenor)
ἐὰν δὲ μὴ ποιήσητε οὕτως ἁμαρτήσεσθε ἔναντι κυρίου καὶ γνώσεσθε τὴν ἁμαρτίαν ὑμῶν ὅταν ὑμᾶς καταλάβῃ τὰ κακά	ἐὰν δὲ μὴ ποιήσητε οὕτως, ἁμαρτήσεσθε ἔναντι Κυρίου καὶ γνώσεσθε τὴν ἁμαρτίαν ὑμῶν, ὅταν ὑμᾶς καταλάβῃ τὰ κακά
Numbers 32:23 (NETS)	Numbers 32:23 (English Elpenor)
But if you will not do so, you will sin against the Lord, and you will know your sin when misfortunes overtake you.	But if ye will not do so, ye will sin against the Lord; and ye shall know your sin, when afflictions shall come upon you.

John 7:29 (NET)	John 7:29 (KJV)
but I know him because I have come from him and he sent me.”	But I know him: for I am from him, and he hath sent me.

NET Parallel Greek	Stephanus Textus Receptus	Byzantine Majority Text
ἐγὼ οἶδα αὐτόν, ὅτι παρ᾿ αὐτοῦ εἰμι κακεῖνος με ἀπέστειλεν	εγω δε οιδα αυτον οτι παρ αυτου ειμι κακεινος με απεστειλεν	εγω οιδα αυτον οτι παρ αυτου ειμι κακεινος με απεστειλεν

John 8:28 (NET)	John 8:28 (KJV)
Then Jesus said, “When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am he, and I do nothing on my own initiative, but I speak just what the Father taught me.	Then said Jesus unto them, When ye have lifted up the Son of man, then shall ye know that I am he, and that I do nothing of myself; but as my Father hath taught me, I speak these things.

NET Parallel Greek	Stephanus Textus Receptus	Byzantine Majority Text
εἶπεν οὖν [αὐτοῖς] ὁ Ἰησοῦς· ὅταν ὑψώσητε τὸν υἱὸν τοῦ ἀνθρώπου, τότε γνώσεσθε ὅτι ἐγώ εἰμι, καὶ ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ ποιῶ οὐδέν, ἀλλὰ καθὼς ἐδίδαξεν με ὁ πατὴρ ταῦτα λαλῶ	ειπεν ουν αυτοις ο ιησους οταν υψωσητε τον υιον του ανθρωπου τοτε γνωσεσθε οτι εγω ειμι και απ εμαυτου ποιω ουδεν αλλα καθως εδιδαξεν με ο πατηρ μου ταυτα λαλω	ειπεν ουν αυτοις ο ιησους οταν υψωσητε τον υιον του ανθρωπου τοτε γνωσεσθε οτι εγω ειμι και απ εμαυτου ποιω ουδεν αλλα καθως εδιδαξεν με ο πατηρ μου ταυτα λαλω

John 14:10 (NET)	John 14:10 (KJV)
Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father is in me?  The words that I say to you, I do not speak on my own initiative, but the Father residing in me performs his miraculous deeds.	Believest thou not that I am in the Father, and the Father in me? the words that I speak unto you I speak not of myself: but the Father that dwelleth in me, he doeth the works.

NET Parallel Greek	Stephanus Textus Receptus	Byzantine Majority Text
οὐ πιστεύεις ὅτι ἐγὼ ἐν τῷ πατρὶ καὶ ὁ πατὴρ ἐν ἐμοί ἐστιν; τὰ ρήματα ἃ ἐγὼ λέγω ὑμῖν ἀπ᾿ ἐμαυτοῦ οὐ λαλῶ, ὁ δὲ πατὴρ ἐν ἐμοὶ μένων ποιεῖ τὰ ἔργα αὐτοῦ	ου πιστευεις οτι εγω εν τω πατρι και ο πατηρ εν εμοι εστιν τα ρηματα α εγω λαλω υμιν απ εμαυτου ου λαλω ο δε πατηρ ο εν εμοι μενων αυτος ποιει τα εργα	ου πιστευεις οτι εγω εν τω πατρι και ο πατηρ εν εμοι εστιν τα ρηματα α εγω λαλω υμιν απ εμαυτου ου λαλω ο δε πατηρ ο εν εμοι μενων αυτος ποιει τα εργα