I returned to the same church I had left, believing they were right and I was wrong. I resurrected my god of punishment, more or less, and resolved to be a do-it-yourself-Christian with renewed vigor. I began to worship my own free will again, though I would have denied it if anyone had told me. I only recognize two things different from before my prodigal years.
First, I was done with sin. I would never have said that aloud. I’m not sure I ever thought it through. It certainly wasn’t true yet in any practical sense. But I had returned with real adult sins to my credit and I was sick and tired of it. I can trace that very clearly back to my prodigal years.
Second, I wanted to study the Bible. It wasn’t like before when there were times that I wanted to study the Bible because I was a studious person. Trying to study the Bible always cured me of my “studious person” desire. After my prodigal years I caught myself reading and studying the Bible when I didn’t particularly want to read or study the Bible. I trace that back to God’s answer to a prayer:
“If you’re really out there, I really want to know you.”
It wasn’t a prayer of great faith. “If you’re really out there,” doesn’t score very high on any faith-o-meter. It was little more than a flicker of “hope” that “God might still be there waiting for any who might perchance call upon Him.”[1] And yet it was the prayer that was answered.
It was a prayer of my own free will in some sense. No one held a gun to my head to force me to walk to the kitchen and look out at the sky. No one beat or tortured me until I said the words. But when I consider the actual words I prayed I find it more difficult to believe that they were the result of my own free will.
My prayer was a conditional statement. It would be several years before I went back to school, took Logic 101 and understood that the only condition I placed upon God was his existence. There was no list of personal goals, plans, hopes, dreams, other conditions that God must meet to obtain my loyalty or, in this prayer, my desire (my will) to know Him.
Once I returned to the church and the people I grew up among many if not all of my conditions returned, but even that didn’t alter my new desire to read and study the Bible. Even when it wasn’t always exactly my desire, I caught myself doing it anyway. And I was several years from understanding that I had prayed for eternal life as Jesus’ defined it. Where did the words of this prayer come from?
I’m going to consider a passage from John’s first letter about knowing God. It’s not too hard to imagine that these words were somewhere in my memory from somewhere in my past. I’ll begin at his discussion of love and eternal life (1 John 3:14, 15 NET):
We know that we have crossed over from death to life because we love (ἀγαπῶμεν, a form of ἀγαπάω) our fellow Christians. The one who does not love[2] (ἀγαπῶν, another form of ἀγαπάω) remains in death. Everyone who hates his fellow Christian is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.[3]
As a do-it-yourself-Christian I assumed I should love other Christians (KJV: the brethren) in my own strength to prove that I was one, too. I understood that Everyone who hates his fellow Christian is a murderer, and you know that no murderer will go to heaven. John, however, was thinking here of ζωὴν αἰώνιον (eternal life) as something potentially residing (μένουσαν, a form of μένω) in one, rather than as a place one might go. This is much more like Jesus’ understanding of αἰώνιος ζωὴ (John 17:3 NET):
Now this is eternal life (αἰώνιος ζωὴ)—that they know (γινώσκωσιν, a form of γινώσκω) you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you sent.
The Greek word translated know in the phrase We know was not the same as γινώσκωσιν above. Rather, it was οἴδαμεν (a form of εἴδω), to know by seeing or experiencing. John was not describing a rule to obey in my own strength so much as a sign to recognize that I had crossed over from death to life.
The second definition of ἀγαπάω in the Koine Greek Lexicon online is “to accept the authority of (someone), display respect for (someone).” Though “believing” my fellow Christians “were right and I was wrong” would eventually become somewhat problematic, I probably should have recognized, or would have benefitted from recognizing, this insight as at least the beginning of the love of God stirring within me, an aspect of the fruit of the Holy Spirit residing in me.
I have argued alternatively that fellow Christians was too restrictive or not restrictive enough a translation of τοὺς ἀδελφούς (KJV: the brethren). Regardless, it doesn’t alter Jesus’ teaching (Matthew 5:43-45 NET):
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love (ἀγαπήσεις, another form of ἀγαπάω) your neighbor’ and ‘hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love (ἀγαπᾶτε, another form of ἀγαπάω) your enemy and pray for those who persecute you [Table], so that you may be like your Father in heaven, since he causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous [Table].
As a rule to obey in my own strength, loving my enemies seems daunting if not even a little stupid. But to be like my Father in heaven, loving with the love that flows from his Spirit dwelling within me, is completely doable despite the how-to-do-that being a little tricky to learn. John was explicitly clear about the quality of this love (1 John 3:16 NET):
We have come to know love (ἀγάπην, a form of ἀγάπη) by this: that Jesus laid down his life for us; thus we ought to lay down[4] our lives for our fellow Christians.
The Greek word translated We have come to know is ἐγνώκαμεν (another form of γινώσκω), like that they know (γινώσκωσιν, a form of γινώσκω) you, the only true God… So I have everything Jesus said and did in the Gospel narratives to define this love as well as the Holy Spirit’s verbal definition given through Paul (1 Corinthians 13:1-13 NET):
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I do not have love (ἀγάπην, a form of ἀγάπη), I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can remove[5] mountains, but do not have love (ἀγάπην, a form of ἀγάπη), I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I give over my body in order to boast, but do not have love (ἀγάπην, a form of ἀγάπη), I receive no benefit [Table].
Love (ἀγάπη) is patient, love (ἀγάπη) is kind, it is not envious. Love (ἀγάπη) does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love (ἀγάπη) never ends. But if there are prophecies, they will be set aside; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be set aside [Table]. For[6] we know in part, and we prophesy in part, but when what is perfect comes,[7] the partial will be set aside. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But when I became an adult, I set aside childish ways. For now we see in a mirror indirectly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love (ἀγάπη). But the greatest of these is love (ἀγάπη).
John continued (1 John 3:17 NET):
But whoever has the world’s possessions and sees his fellow Christian in need and shuts off his compassion against him, how can the love (ἀγάπη) of God reside in such a person?
It was exceptionally childish of me as a do-it-yourself-Christian to think that I could love like God by turning Paul’s definition of love into rules I would obey in my own strength. John was fairly clear here, writing about the love of God that might reside (μένει, another form of μένω) in a person (much like eternal life). Here one does not manufacture the love but possibly shuts off (κλείσῃ, a form of κλείω) his compassion. I wonder if I should consider his (αὐτοῦ, a form of αὐτός) here as a reference to God.
John continued (1 John 3:18-20 NET):
Little children,[8] let us not love (ἀγαπῶμεν, a form of ἀγαπάω) with word or with tongue but in deed and truth. And by this we will know[9] that we are of the truth and will convince our conscience[10] in his presence, that if our conscience condemns us, that God is greater than our conscience and knows all things.
As a child I had adapted my understanding of the meaning of my elders’ words to better accommodate what they actually did. As a do-it-yourself-Christian I understood word (λόγῳ, a form of λόγος) and tongue (γλώσσῃ, a form of γλῶσσα) as faith, and deed (ἔργῳ, a form of ἔργον) and truth (ἀληθείᾳ) as my own works. So, by our own works we will know (γνωσόμεθα, a form of γινώσκω) that we are of the truth (ἀληθείας, a form of ἀλήθεια) and will convince our conscience in his presence. The only sense I could make of the next verse then was that God would forgive us for not loving like God in our own strength.
The idea that we would actually love like God in his strength by his Holy Spirit eluded me, as did what I misconstrued as the goal of Christian faith and obedience—to get God to do what we want—since I failed so miserably to love like God in my own strength (1 John 3:21, 22 NET):
Dear friends, if our conscience does not condemn us,[11] we have confidence in the presence of God, and whatever we ask we receive from[12] him, because we keep his commandments and do the things that are pleasing to him.
And the one who sent me is with me, Jesus said. He[13] has not left me alone because I always do those things that please him.[14] The Greek words translated those things that please here and the things that are pleasing above were τὰ ἀρεστὰ. This connection was troubling since Jesus seemed to credit his perfect obedience with the fact that the Father has not left me alone. But it became enlightening as well as I began to suspect that God had not left me alone even during my prodigal years when I had claimed to be an atheist. I searched for some reason to explain it since I was unpersuadable that I’m so much more adorable than Jesus.
John continued (1 John 3:23, 24 NET):
Now this is his commandment: that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love (ἀγαπῶμεν, a form of ἀγαπάω) one another, just as he gave us the commandment. And the person who keeps his commandments resides in God, and God in him. Now by this we know (γινώσκομεν, another form of γινώσκω) that God resides in us: by the Spirit he has given us.
Over time it became harder and harder to believe that my faith and obedience caused me to reside in God and He in me. Slowly, I began to suspect that the Holy Spirit He had given me was God residing in me and the cause of my residing in Him. My faith and obedience, such as they were, were the result of his presence, and signs that it was so. For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever! Amen.[15]
Tables comparing 1 John 3:14, 15; 3:16; 1 Corinthians 13:2; 13:9, 10; 1 John 3:18, 19; 3:21, 22 and John 8:29 in the NET and KJV follow.
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| ἡμεῖς οἴδαμεν ὅτι μεταβεβήκαμεν ἐκ τοῦ θανάτου εἰς τὴν ζωήν, ὅτι ἀγαπῶμεν τοὺς ἀδελφούς· ὁ μὴ ἀγαπῶν μένει ἐν τῷ θανάτῳ | ημεις οιδαμεν οτι μεταβεβηκαμεν εκ του θανατου εις την ζωην οτι αγαπωμεν τους αδελφους ο μη αγαπων τον αδελφον μενει εν τω θανατω | ημεις οιδαμεν οτι μεταβεβηκαμεν εκ του θανατου εις την ζωην οτι αγαπωμεν τους αδελφους ο μη αγαπων τον αδελφον μενει εν τω θανατω |
| Everyone who hates his fellow Christian is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him. | Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| πᾶς ὁ μισῶν τὸν ἀδελφὸν αὐτοῦ ἀνθρωποκτόνος ἐστίν, καὶ οἴδατε ὅτι πᾶς ἀνθρωποκτόνος οὐκ ἔχει ζωὴν αἰώνιον ἐν αὐτῷ μένουσαν | πας ο μισων τον αδελφον αυτου ανθρωποκτονος εστιν και οιδατε οτι πας ανθρωποκτονος ουκ εχει ζωην αιωνιον εν αυτω μενουσαν | πας ο μισων τον αδελφον αυτου ανθρωποκτονος εστιν και οιδατε οτι πας ανθρωποκτονος ουκ εχει ζωην αιωνιον εν εαυτω μενουσαν |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| ἐν τούτῳ ἐγνώκαμεν τὴν ἀγάπην, ὅτι ἐκεῖνος ὑπὲρ ἡμῶν τὴν ψυχὴν αὐτοῦ ἔθηκεν· καὶ ἡμεῖς ὀφείλομεν ὑπὲρ τῶν ἀδελφῶν τὰς ψυχὰς θεῖναι | εν τουτω εγνωκαμεν την αγαπην οτι εκεινος υπερ ημων την ψυχην αυτου εθηκεν και ημεις οφειλομεν υπερ των αδελφων τας ψυχας τιθεναι | εν τουτω εγνωκαμεν την αγαπην οτι εκεινος υπερ ημων την ψυχην αυτου εθηκεν και ημεις οφειλομεν υπερ των αδελφων τας ψυχας τιθεναι |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| |καὶ ἐὰν| ἔχω προφητείαν καὶ εἰδῶ τὰ μυστήρια πάντα καὶ πᾶσαν τὴν γνῶσιν |καὶ ἐὰν| ἔχω πᾶσαν τὴν πίστιν ὥστε ὄρη |μεθιστάναι|, ἀγάπην δὲ μὴ ἔχω, οὐθέν εἰμι. | και εαν εχω προφητειαν και ειδω τα μυστηρια παντα και πασαν την γνωσιν και εαν εχω πασαν την πιστιν ωστε ορη μεθιστανειν αγαπην δε μη εχω ουθεν ειμι | και εαν εχω προφητειαν και ειδω τα μυστηρια παντα και πασαν την γνωσιν και εαν εχω πασαν την πιστιν ωστε ορη μεθιστανειν αγαπην δε μη εχω ουθεν ειμι |
| 1 Corinthians 13:9, 10 (NET) | 1 Corinthians 13:9, 10 (KJV) |
| For we know in part, and we prophesy in part, | For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| ἐκ μέρους γὰρ γινώσκομεν καὶ ἐκ μέρους προφητεύομεν | εκ μερους γαρ γινωσκομεν και εκ μερους προφητευομεν | εκ μερους δε γινωσκομεν και εκ μερους προφητευομεν |
| but when what is perfect comes, the partial will be set aside. | But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| ὅταν δὲ ἔλθῃ τὸ τέλειον, τὸ ἐκ μέρους καταργηθήσεται | οταν δε ελθη το τελειον τοτε το εκ μερους καταργηθησεται | οταν δε ελθη το τελειον τοτε το εκ μερους καταργηθησεται |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| Τεκνία, μὴ ἀγαπῶμεν λόγῳ μηδὲ τῇ γλώσσῃ ἀλλὰ ἐν ἔργῳ καὶ ἀληθείᾳ | τεκνια μου μη αγαπωμεν λογω μηδε γλωσση αλλ εργω και αληθεια | τεκνια μου μη αγαπωμεν λογω μηδε τη γλωσση αλλ εν εργω και αληθεια |
| And by this we will know that we are of the truth and will convince our conscience in his presence, | And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| [Καὶ] ἐν τούτῳ γνωσόμεθα ὅτι ἐκ τῆς ἀληθείας ἐσμέν, καὶ ἔμπροσθεν αὐτοῦ πείσομεν τὴν καρδίαν ἡμῶν | και εν τουτω γινωσκομεν οτι εκ της αληθειας εσμεν και εμπροσθεν αυτου πεισομεν τας καρδιας ημων | και εν τουτω γινωσκομεν οτι εκ της αληθειας εσμεν και εμπροσθεν αυτου πεισομεν τας καρδιας ημων |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| Ἀγαπητοί, ἐὰν ἡ καρδία [ἡμῶν] μὴ καταγινώσκῃ, παρρησίαν ἔχομεν πρὸς τὸν θεόν | αγαπητοι εαν η καρδια ημων μη καταγινωσκη ημων παρρησιαν εχομεν προς τον θεον | αγαπητοι εαν η καρδια ημων μη καταγινωσκη ημων παρρησιαν εχομεν προς τον θεον |
| and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do the things that are pleasing to him. | And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight. |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| καὶ ὃ ἐὰν αἰτῶμεν λαμβάνομεν ἀπ᾿ αὐτοῦ, ὅτι τὰς ἐντολὰς αὐτοῦ τηροῦμεν καὶ τὰ ἀρεστὰ ἐνώπιον αὐτοῦ ποιοῦμεν | και ο εαν αιτωμεν λαμβανομεν παρ αυτου οτι τας εντολας αυτου τηρουμεν και τα αρεστα ενωπιον αυτου ποιουμεν | και ο εαν αιτωμεν λαμβανομεν παρ αυτου οτι τας εντολας αυτου τηρουμεν και τα αρεστα ενωπιον αυτου ποιουμεν |
| NET Parallel Greek | Stephanus Textus Receptus | Byzantine Majority Text |
| καὶ ὁ πέμψας με μετ᾿ ἐμοῦ ἐστιν· οὐκ ἀφῆκεν με μόνον, ὅτι ἐγὼ τὰ ἀρεστὰ αὐτῷ ποιῶ πάντοτε | και ο πεμψας με μετ εμου εστιν ουκ αφηκεν με μονον ο πατηρ οτι εγω τα αρεστα αυτω ποιω παντοτε | και ο πεμψας με μετ εμου εστιν ουκ αφηκεν με μονον ο πατηρ οτι εγω τα αρεστα αυτω ποιω παντοτε |
[1] Who Am I?, Part 3[2] The Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had τον αδελφον (KJV: the brethren) following love (KJV: loveth). The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 did not.
[3] The NET parallel Greek text, NA28 and Stephanus Textus Receptus had αὐτῷ here, where the Byzantine Majority Text had εαυτω.
[4] The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 had θεῖναι here, where the Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had τιθεναι.
[5] The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 had μεθιστάναι here, where the Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had μεθιστανειν (KJV: that I could remove).
[6] The NET parallel Greek text, NA28 and Stephanus Textus Receptus had γὰρ here, where the Byzantine Majority Text had δε.
[7] The Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had τοτε (KJV: then) here. The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 did not.
[8] The Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had μου (KJV: My) following Little children. The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 did not.
[9] The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 had γνωσόμεθα here, where the Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had γινωσκομεν (KJV: we know).
[10] The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 had τὴν καρδίαν here, where the Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had τας καρδιας (KJV: our hearts).
[11] The Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had ημων here. The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 did not.
[12] The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 had ἀπ᾿ here, where the Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had παρ (KJV: of).
[13] The Stephanus Textus Receptus and Byzantine Majority Text had ο πατηρ (KJV: the Father) here. The NET parallel Greek text and NA28 did not.